Yesterday, I had a chat with a friend from Alpha year. And all of a sudden, a question I had anticipated came. That single question brought back all the heart break, the depression, the sadness, the disappointment, the regret and maybe, just maybe, a little anger. All at once. Such is the strength of the memory. My memory of it. My hope of it. It was, and maybe still is, my everything.
It was not that friend’s fault that I felt shitty when he asked that question. He didn’t know. But even if he does know, I wouldn’t hold it against him either. It is all my fault, that I cannot let go of the past. But, how could I? As I said earlier, it was my everything. And until I find a future that can be a new everything, I cannot let it go. I am not strong enough to go forward with nothing.
And the future, although I can see it now, is still beyond my reach. With so many blockades and barriers, it will take some time for me to reach it. Or maybe will not at all. I am, for the time being, in a lost. Someone, anyone, help me.
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